Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter Seven (Part One)

[pangolin20]

Kerlois: A good day, everyone, and welcome back to the Eragon comparison. This time, I will tackle the first part of chapter seven.

 

This chapter is also called “Tea for Two”, though this edition capitalises “for”.

It opens like this: “Roran and Eragon parted at the outskirts Carvahall.” At least the Knopf edition fixed this particular issue.

S PPP: +23

This edition adds this bit:

When the dragon had spoken his name, he fled to his room in fear, but its safety had not protected him from doubts and uncertainties. That night he almost told Garrow about the dragon, but held out, determined to learn all he could first.

This would have been nice to keep in the Knopf edition. Also, I am quite certain Eragon is just stalling, because he can keep on indefinitely with gathering information.

This edition then inserts another italicised “Eragon”, and then we are back with Eragon knocking on the door. Brom appears out of nowhere and asks what Eragon wants. Eragon whirls around, and this edition notes he is “surprised”. We have the same description of Brom, who is still likened to a friar.

Eragon says that it is to get information. This edition phrases it like this: “Eragon said impudently, trying to conceal the unease he felt about his mental contact with the dragon.”

Um, why is Eragon “impudent” here? It is a perfectly reasonable reaction, and Brom is the one who just sneaked up on Eragon. Also, I do not think he is exactly uneasy about his “mental contact”, but rather about Saphira being able to speak.

Anyway, he says that Roran is getting a chisel fixed, so he came to see if Brom could answer some questions.

Brom grunts and attention is drawn to his ring. This edition adds this:

He pushed a latch, and the door swung open on uneven hinges.

Again, this would have been nice to retain. Also, this only further highlights how strange the condition of Brom’s house is.

Connection Has Failed: 21

The house is “darker than charcoal”, and there is an “acrid smell”. This edition adds this:

Brom closed the door behind them and said, “Move over, I can’t go through you!”

1) This is not directly related to this quote, but how does the interior of Brom’s house look “darker than charcoal” if the door is open at that moment? There should be light shining inside!

PPP: +1

2) What does make more sense is if it looks like that after Brom has closed the door, so he presumably also does so in the Knopf edition. And I have to ask: why in the world does he do so?? Can he not wait until he has lit a candle? Is he afraid that someone will come in in that short span and steal from him?

Ill Logic: +1

3) The sentence here has a comma splice.

S PPP: +24

4) Oh, Brom, are you yelling at him? Never mind that you are the one who just shut the door for no reason, so now Eragon cannot step outside. But, by all means, treat him like an idiot for not realising that he is in the way while he literally cannot see. Also, there is not time limit here. Brom could just kindly ask Eragon to stand aside, and nothing would change.

S Some Father You Are: +1

Eragon cautiously sidled to his right and felt something hairy tickle his leg. “Much better,” muttered Brom.

And that is it. Good thing that it was cut in the Knopf edition.

Brom moves around for a bit, something crashes to the ground (that would not have been the case if you had left the door open), and he makes a light.

Here is a comparison:

K: Brom stood with a candle before a stone fireplace. Stacks of books surrounded a high-backed, deeply carved wooden chair that faced the mantel; the four legs were shaped like eagle claws, and the seat and back were padded with leather embossed with a swirling rose pattern. A cluster of lesser chairs held piles of scrolls. Ink pots and pens were scattered across a writing desk. “Make room for yourself, but by the lost kings, be careful. This stuff is valuable.”

 

S: Brom stood with a candle before a stone fireplace. Stacks of books surrounded a high-backed deeply-carved wooden chair that faced the mantle; the four legs were shaped like eagle claws, and the seat and back were padded with leather embossed with a swirling rose pattern. A cluster of lesser chairs held piles of scrolls. Ink pots and pens were scattered across a writing desk. Eragon saw that he had brushed against a pair of furred boots. He started to speak, but Brom cut him off. “Talk later; first we need a fire. Make room for yourself, but by the lost Kings, be careful. This stuff is valuable.”

 

1) I do like the comma between “high-backed” and “deeply carved”. And I also like the loss of the hyphen from “deeply-carved”.

 

2) “Mantle” with T-L-E from the original edition is plain wrong there, as that refers to a cloak, which is certainly not meant here.

 

S PPP: +25

 

3) Regarding the extra section: the bit about where Eragon brushed up against was unnecessary, and has been rightly cut.

 

4) Brom again has no legitimate reason to cut Eragon off. I think his candle can burn for a little longer, so he could at least try to answer Eragon.

 

S Some Father You Are: +2

 

5) I see here that we have a third variant of the phrase “lost kings”, this one with only “Kings” capitalised.

 

Eragon steps over parchment, lifts scrolls from his chair, and sits with a cloud of dust. Brom lights the fire with his candle. This edition adds “The wood caught easily, so he snuffed the candle and put it on the mantle.”

 

S PPP: +26

 

Brom throws back his hood to reveal silver hair, and he hangs a kettle over the flames. This edition notes that it is a “tea kettle” and that he picks it up.

 

Here is a comparison:

 

K: “Now, what do you want?” He addressed Eragon roughly, but not unkindly.

 

S: “Now what do you want?” he addressed Eragon roughly, but not unfriendly.

 

Good changes here. The comma after “now” is needed, splitting off the dialogue tag into a separate sentence is good, and I do not exactly mind using “unkindly” instead of “unfriendly”.

 

Eragon wonders how to best approach the subject, and this edition notes that he is “collecting his thoughts”.

 

He says what he would like to hear about. Brom says it is a “vast subject”, and says that they would sit there until winter if he told their whole story. This edition omits the comma in the sentence.

 

S PPP: +27

 

Brom goes for his pipe. This edition adds this:

 

He paused the conversation with an upraised finger and reached into the pouch at his waist. He withdrew a pipe with a slender stem and a packet of tobacco. Slowly he filled the pipe bowl and tamped it down with scarred fingers.

 

So the pouch is for “tobacco”! Good to know. Also, the tobacco is still quite out of place.

 

Connection Has Failed: 22

 

Eragon waits patiently, “letting his eyes wander”, according to this edition. He says he likes Brom. He can be “irascible” at times, but, according to this edition, “he always showed interest in Eragon and never seemed to mind taking the time to answer his questions.” Show instead of tell, Paolini!

 

PPP: +1

 

Eragon asked him where he came from, Brom lied, Eragon went to Garrow, and he could not answer.

 

Back in the present, Brom lights his pipe. He talks about the Riders, or Shur’tugal, as the elves call them. This edition italicises “Shur’tugal” for no apparent reason.

 

He says that at the height of their power, they ruled “twice the Empire’s lands”. This edition adds that they ruled “dozens of countries”, which is patent nonsense. According to Eldest, the humans had one country, the Broddring Kingdom.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +17

 

The rest of his speech is exactly the same. He confines himself to three areas, and begins with the origin of the dragons. Eragon settles back. Brom tells the same story about where the dragons came from.

 

Eragon interrupts, and this edition notes that he does so “as Brom pause[s] for breath”. He asks about the elves, Brom does not want him asking questions, Eragon tries to look contrite, Brom calls him out on it, and he explains about the elves.

 

And this is the point where I left off.

 

Let me incorporate the counts.

 

		K	S
A Better Commando Name		2	2
All the Isms		6	6
Bullyay		29	30
	Murdered by the Convocation	4	5
	Perfection is Pure	3	3
Connection Has Failed		22	27
Hell-Bound Partners		55	55
Ill Logic		66	70
Just Drink the Poison		0	0
Look Away		114	121
Manual Patch Job		19	20
No Touchy		3	3
No-Wave Feminism		28	34
Petty Ain’t the Word For You		43	52
RVMP		28	29
Some Father You Are		11	13
Some Teacher You Are		0	0
The Perfect Sparkly Ways of Elfdom		5	5
This is Fine		8	13
Use ‘Em As You Will		10	10
What Dragons?		14	14
Dead Herrings		60	80
Drop It Like It’s Hot		2	2
Forgot the Narrator		11	13
Just Gonna Stand There		2	5
Missing Puzzle Pieces		107	108
Paoclichés		3	7
PPP		123	148
	Continuity Fluidity	63	80
Reaction, Please		30	30
Shine Bright Like a Diamond		4	4
Thanks for Explaining		2	9
Cliffhanger Chop		1	2
Mid-Scene Break		0	0
Other Ending		3	3
Protagonist Unconsciousness		2	2

 

Some explanation of this:

 

The Perfect Sparkly Ways of Elfdom stands at 5 because of the general descriptions of them in the prologue.

 

For the chapter endings, I have awarded an Other Ending point to that of chapter 5, since it randomly cuts off. Chapter 6 has a Cliffhanger Chop point, because of how short it is in relation to the other chapters.

 

With that out of the way, I think I can soon go back to Eragon proper.