Eragon: Self-published edition: Chapter Three (Part Two) and Chapter Four

[pangolin20]

Welcome back to chapter three of the Eragon comparison.

 

Before I begin, I want to say that I missed a spot myself in the previous part. When Eragon thinks about what could have made the traders less prosperous, the self-published edition renders it like this: And why are they so late?Eragon wondered. As you’ll notice, there’s no space after the question mark. The Knopf edition fixes this, so:

S PPP: +11

Thanks for Changing: 195

And, when Garrow mentions the Urgal horns, in this edition he mentions “the tavern” instead of “Morn’s tavern”, which does take the removal of the earlier bit into account.

Thanks for Changing: 196

Also, as Epistler pointed out, the description of Eragon and Garrow leaving Carvahall referred to it as “a town”, which it isn’t.

S Continuity Fluidity: +13

Thanks for Changing: 197

 

Now, back to where we left off: Eragon going into the tavern. We get the same description. There’s a change about the Urgal horns, though. Where the Knopf edition introduces them as “The shiny-black Urgal horns”, this one has “A pair of shiny-black Urgal horns”. The line in this edition doesn’t make sense, since we already knew about this; this edition even had the bit in chapter 2 that included their history.

Thanks for Changing: 198

We get more description. This edition notes that Morn has “an apron tied around his waist”, in addition to having his sleeves rolled up. There’s people coming in to listen to two traders who’ve come for beer. This edition specifically notes that they’ve come in for “a mug of beer.” It also adds this: “Eragon was eager to hear what they were saying, but he went to the bar first.”

In Spite of a Nail: 92 (for the deletion of a transitional sentence)

Morn looks up from a mug he’s cleaning, and greets Eragon. This edition says he does it “in a friendly tone”. Morn asks where Garrow’s gone to. Eragon says he’s buying, and that he’ll be a while. This edition spells the last phrase as “he’ll be awhile”, so as one word. I’m quite certain that that means that Garrow will be back soon, which is not what Eragon means.

Thanks for Changing: 199

Morn asks after Roran, while swiping his cloth through another mug. This edition adds the he picks up the mug.

Thanks for Changing: 200 (we don’t need all this detail)

Eragon says he’s there, because there’s no sick animals to hold him back. Morn goes “good, good”. Eragon asks after the traders. Morn identifies them as “grain buyers”, and says they’ve bought grain at very low prices, and now they’re telling “wild stories”.

In the Knopf edition, Eragon has a reaction here. That is missing from this edition, which I’ll get to a bit later. Instead, he asks what kind of stories. Morn says that they say that the Varden have formed a pact with the Urgals and are massing an army. According to them, it’s through the grace of “our king” that they’ve been spared, which Morn doesn’t believe.

Here’s another interesting change: This edition capitalises “King” for some reason. It’s not a bad decision, and the change isn’t bad per se. Only here it makes very little sense for Morn to refer to Galbatorix as the capital-K King, given how little Morn thinks of him.

S Forgot the Narrator Speaker: +2

Thanks for Changing: 201

Here’s some new material:

Eragon was surprised that the traders had caused such a reaction from Morn. Usually he only laughed if costumers embellished the truth.

Eragon. Morn just said that they ripped off the villagers! Maybe that is why Morn reacts like this??! Are you for real, Eragon?

Thanks for Changing: 202

“So why did the farmers trade with them instead of with Ged?” he asked.

Ah, yes, the random grain merchant is named, because why not. Also, wasn’t Ged the protagonist of Earthsea?

~~~

“Because Ged didn’t come this year. No one had a choice; they had to sell to those thieves at last half year’s price.”

Ah, that explains why everyone is so angry at them, and it gives them more reason to.

In Spite of a Nail: 93

Still, though, why couldn’t they try to negotiate with them, or else pressure them into raising the price? Just one little line would be enough.

You Missed a Spot: 35

~~~

Eragon frowned. He understood why Morn was so upset. People need that money! We can’t get by without it.

Ah, here is the part that was missing earlier. And I think the exclamation mark helps to convey the message better.

In Spite of a Nail: 94

He said quietly, “I see. Well then, if you’ll excuse me….” Morn nodded, and Eragon left the bar. He pushed his way through the group so he could see the two men clearly.

No idea why he needs Morn to excuse him. I do like the transitional sentence, though.

In Spite of a Nail: 95

Overall, though I think the conversation goes a lot smooth in the Knopf edition.

In this edition, it’s like this:

-Who are those people?

-They’re grain buyers, and they’ve ripped us off.

-What are they telling?

-Wild stories. Go listen to them.

-Why did the farmers trade with them?

-They had to, and they got ripped off.

- >: Then I’ll go.

The Knopf edition has:

-Who are those people?

-Grain buyers. They’ve ripped us off.

- >: And what kind of stories do they tell?

-Wild ones. Go listen to them?

It makes Eragon seem much less unobservant, as he doesn’t need to be told twice that they’ve been ripped off to have a reaction to it.

 

S Reaction Please: +1

Thanks for Changing: 203

We get to see the traders. Laurel makes his chair “protest loudly” when he sits in it; this edition has “loudly protest”. Hardy still looks gross. His body is generally “unnaturally thin”, and this edition adds “as if the food he ate conveyed no healthy nutrition.” Why thank you, we really needed that addition.

Thanks for Changing: 204

Laurel says that it’s only through Galbatorix’s efforts that they’re safe, and this edition capitalises King again. Some gives the ~slick retort~ of “we think your arguments are stupid; we can take care of ourselves”. The crowd chuckles, and this edition adds that Laurel “look[s] irritated.” I can actually feel along with him somewhat.

Laurel intervenes, and says that the Empire can’t care for anyone personally, but they can keep “this place” safe from danger. This edition adds this line:

I bet he was going to say something rude, thought Eragon.

YOU THINK, ERAGON? This is one of the worst examples of hand-holding I’ve ever seen!

Thanks for Changing: 205

This edition deletes the dialogue tag on the next paragraph. Hardy explains that the Empire can’t please everyone, and people will be discontent. Someone retorts “if you’re willing to call the Varden small”, and a few thousand people on a population of several millions is still small.

Here’s a comparison:

 

The fat man sighed. “We already explained that the Varden have no interest in helping

you. That’s only a falsehood perpetuated by the traitors in an attempt to disrupt the

Empire and convince us that the real threat is inside—not outside—our borders. K

 

The fat man said impatiently, “We already explained this: The Varden have no interest in helping

you. That’s only a falsehood perpetuated by the traitors in an attempt to disrupt the Empire and convince us that the real threat is inside our borders, not outside. S

 

I think the Knopf edition flows smoother here.

Thanks for Changing: 206

Laurel explains further, saying that they only want to invade the land. This edition capitalises “King” here, too. Eragon doesn’t agree, “but the traders’ words were smooth, and people were nodding.” This edition deletes the comma after “smooth”, and adds “in agreement” to the end.

Thanks for Changing: 207

Eragon steps forward and challenges the traders. This edition notes he does so “boldly”. He asks them to prove they’re not lying. This edition inserts an extra “that”. Another comparison:

The two men glared at him while the villagers waited silently for the answer. K

 

The two men looked at him coldly while the villagers waited silently for the answer. S

 

I have to say that the second version is better here. Looking coldly at Eragon gives them a greater threat amount than glaring.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 96

 

Laurel calls the villagers out on “letting boys challenge men”. Here comes a comparison:

 

The listeners fidgeted and stared at Eragon. Then a man said, “Answer the question.” K

 

The listeners fidgeted uneasily and directed glares at Eragon. Then a man said firmly, “Answer the question.” The grain merchants shifted nervously as the unfriendly looks were redirected at them. S

 

1) Um, why are they glaring at Eragon. Are they angry because he made the traders imply that they weren’t strict enough on their children? Wouldn’t they be angry at the traders, for implying that? They stole their grain in this version, after all, and now they’re making nasty comments!

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +14

Thanks for Changing: 206

 

2) And then they turn on the traders, because one person told them to answer the question. Are these people real? Are we sure they’re not robots?

 

Thanks for Changing: 207

 

And let’s compare the next paragraph:

 

“It’s only common sense,” said the fat one, sweat beading on his upper lip. His reply riled

the villagers, and the dispute resumed. K

“Why it’s only common sense,” said the fat one, sweat beading on his upper lip. His reply inflamed

the villagers, and they disputed it vehemently. S

 

1) There should be a comma after “why”.

 

S PPP: +12

Thanks for Changing: 208

 

2) “They disputed it vehemently”? What is there to dispute? It’s a clear evasion, and they should call him out on it, if they are to dispute anything.

 

Thanks for Changing: 209

 

Eragon goes back to the bar, saying he’s never met anyone who favours the Empire. It does nothing for them when they starve, and the tax collectors are heartless (because they’re made out of corpses and graveyard soil). This edition adds “which only served to intensify the animosity.” Yes, I think we could figure that out ourselves.

 

Thanks for Changing: 210

 

He feels justified in disagreeing with them about “the King’s” mercy, but he speculates about the Varden. This edition uses “on the point of” instead of “regarding”. We get our infodump on the Varden, and this edition only uses “if you” once in the list of conditions to get into the Varden.

He reaches Morn, who says that the traders are worse than vultures. He says there’s going to be trouble soon. Eragon asks for who, and Morn says for the traders. Eragon leaves when the argument “threatens to become violent”, and that made more sense when the traders had ripped them off this obviously, and it was also less disturbing.

In Spite of a Nail: 97

This edition adds “He breathed deeply and started up the street.” It’s early evening. He notices Roran and Katrina standing when “he look[s] down an alley.” This edition adds “He watched them furtively.” Way to make him look like a creep…

Thanks for Changing: 211

Roran says something Eragon can’t hear, and Katrina answers. She stands on tip-toe, and this edition notes that she “quickly” kisses him, before, as this edition puts it, “lightly running away.” Okay… I don’t think that fits really well with the tone of this scene.

Thanks for Changing: 212

A comparison:

Eragon trotted to Roran and teased, “Having a good time?” Roran grunted noncommittally as he paced away.

 

“Have you heard the traders’ news?” asked Eragon, following. Most of the villagers were

indoors, talking to traders or waiting until it was dark enough for the troubadours to

perform. K

 

 

Roran watched her go without moving. Eragon trotted over to him and playfully asked, “Having a good time?” Roran grunted noncommittally and paced away.

 

Eragon stayed by his side. “We should find Garrow. It’s getting late.” Roran agreed thoughtfully, rolling a pebble around in one of his hands. “Have you heard the traders’ news?” asked Eragon. Most of the villagers were indoors, talking to traders and waiting until it was dark enough for the troubadours to perform. S

 

Not much to say on most changes. Some points, then:

 

1) Roran watching Katrina go like that is very much at odds with her lightly running away in this edition.

 

2) Eragon’s comment about finding Garrow is another such transition that I quite like.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 98

 

3) I like the bit about Roran rolling a pebble in his hand. It’s just a little detail that makes it so much more lifelike.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 99

 

Roran says he’s heard the news, and asks Eragon what he thinks of Sloan. The Knopf edition has “Roran seemed distracted” here, while this edition has “said Roran slowly.” Nothing like showing when you can tell, right?

 

In Spite of a Nail: 100

 

Eragon says that he “thought it was obvious”. This edition adds “asserted Eragon, savoring the cool air.” No, I still don’t have any idea what Eragon thinks is obvious.

 

You Missed a Spot: 36

 

Now there’s some new stuff:

 

“I’m trying to understand how a girl like Katrina can have Sloan as her father.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Um, maybe that’s because who your parents are and what they’re like doesn’t uniquely determine who you’ll be? You know what, it gets this:

 

S Resistance Is Futile: +1

Thanks for Changing: 213

 

Here’s a comparison:

 

“There’ll be blood between us when he finds out about Katrina and me,” stated Roran. A

snowflake landed on Eragon’s nose, and he looked up. The sky had turned gray. He could

think of nothing appropriate to say; Roran was right. He clasped his cousin on the

shoulder as they continued down the byway. K

 

“There’s going to be blood between us when he finds out about Katrina and me,” stated Roran resignedly. Eragon slowed with a worried expression. A snowflake landed on his nose and he looked up. The sky had turned gray. Soft snow drifted over Carvahall. He could think of nothing appropriate to say. Roran was right; there would be blows over this. Eragon clasped his cousin somberly on the shoulder as they continued down the byway. S

 

1) The self-published edition has somewhat better cohesion than the Knopf edition.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 101

 

2) The Knopf edition tones down the “resistance is futile” stuff a bit. It’s almost unbearable in the self-published one, like you just accept this?

 

Thanks for Changing: 214

 

3) And an extra comma is always welcome.

 

Thanks for Changing: 215

 

Here’s an extra paragraph:

 

Garrow has just left a booth when they located him. He shifted a package under his arm and said, “I have to put these seeds in the wagon, then we can go to Horst’s.”

 

Well, this is an easier transition than having them teleport to Horst’s.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 102

 

Eragon was impatient and said so vigorously. With a slight smile on his face, Garrow left them.

 

Couldn’t we see what Eragon said? And way to be an ass, Garrow. You couldn’t have spared some words for Eragon?

 

Thanks for Changing: 216

 

He returned swiftly, took their arms, and steered them into the night’s festivities.

 

Well, that was that. After this, we get dinner at Horst’s, that’s also glossed over in this edition. The people go out to a field, and the troubadours come out. Eventually, Brom appears. There are three changes here:

 

1) “walked leisurely” instead of “strolled”, when the villagers go to the field.

 

2) “poles with candles on top” instead of “candle-topped poles”.

 

3) And this edition has an extra comma before “and recited thus”.

 

The story itself is almost the same. And considering that I last spent 17000 words on it, that’s quite refreshing.

 

Brom begins with his opening narration about how what he will tell has been forgotten, which doesn’t make sense when it’s 100 years ago.

 

He looks at the crowd and goes on with his story. The Riders were formed very long ago, and their mission was to “protect and guard.” Here’s a comparison:

 

Their prowess in battle was unmatched, for each had the strength of ten men. They were immortal unless blade or poison took them. For good only were their powers used, and under their tutelage tall cities and towers were built out of the living stone. K

 

Unmatched was their prowess in battle, for each had the strength of ten men. Immortal they were unless blade or poison took them. For good only were their powers used. Under their tutelage tall cities and towers—things of grace—were built out of the living stone. S

 

1) I like that the Knopf edition has got rid of the unnecessary topicalization.

 

Thanks for Changing: 217

 

2) Why are the cities and towers “things of grace”? I think it means that the towers and cities were graceful, but it could be better worded.

 

Thanks for Changing: 218

 

3) Also good to see we still have “tall cities”.

 

You Missed a Spot: 37

 

Further on, in the sentence that talks about elves and dwarves, this edition has an ungrammatical semicolon. I don’t think “The dwarves our friends”, can be a good sentence in this register, after all.

 

S PPP: +13

Thanks for Changing: 219

 

Well, Brom says it couldn’t last, and here’s a comparison:

 

Brom looked down silently. Infinite sadness resonated in his voice. K

 

Brom looked down silently. Infinite sadness and age resonated in his rich voice. His words rolled out powerfully at the audience and into their hearts. S

 

Yes, the former is better here. Just look at that last sentence.

 

Thanks for Changing: 220

 

He resumes his story. Galbatorix was born, and at ten, he was tested, “and great power resided in him”.

 

You Missed a Spot: 38

 

As a Rider, he’s much better than the others. Some warn the elders, but they ignore it. Galbatorix goes on a “reckless trip”. This edition adds “Lack of experience and complacent elders led them to disregard both safety and the law.” Okay, I can see the first two factors. But how did they disregard safety, exactly? Yes, they went into unknown territory, but with their magical abilities, they should be able to ward against the cold. And the law? Were they literally forbidden from going outside Alagaësia? That’s quite dystopian, isn’t it?

 

Thanks for Changing: 221

 

They go into the Urgals’ remaining territory (no they don’t). On an ice sheet, they’re ambushed in their sleep. This edition changes that to “while sleeping”. Galbatorix’s friends are “butchered”, but he manages to kill his attackers. This edition adds a comma after “butchered”. Jarnunvösk is hit by a stray arrow, and she dies in his arms. This edition merges the two sentences. Brom says that then, he began to go mad.

 

Comparison time:

 

The storyteller clasped his hands and looked around slowly, shadows flickering across his

worn face. The next words came like the mournful toll of a requiem. K

 

 

The storyteller clasped his hands and looked around slowly. Shadows flickered across his

worn face, highlighting a fierce nose. The next words came with a stately cadence, like the mournful toll of a requiem. S

 

Again, nicely cut down.

 

Thanks for Changing: 222

 

Brom resumes talking. Galbatorix is alone, and “half mad with loss.” This edition adds “Galbatorix took provisions from the bodies of his dead enemies”, which I think we could easily do without.

 

Thanks for Changing: 223

 

Galbatorix goes back to Alagaësia. This edition says “What he had soared effortlessly over” instead of “Territory he had soared effortlessly over”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 224

 

He can hunt with magic, but he doesn’t, so eventually he’s nearly dead.

 

Ill Logic: +1

 

A farmer finds him in the mud and summons the Riders. Or, as this edition puts it, “the Riders were summoned.”

 

Galbatorix is taken to the Riders’ holdings, and his body heals. This edition deletes the comma after “holdings”.

 

Thanks for Changing: 225

 

He sleeps for four days, which the Knopf edition expresses as “He slept for four days”, and this one as “Four days he slept.” I’ll take the more natural-sounding one.

 

Thanks for Changing: 226

 

In this edition, Galbatorix is “taken” instead of “brought” before a council. He asks for another dragon, the council sees he has an eeeeeevil mental illness, and they throw him out. Galbatorix concludes the Riders are at fault, and he “formulates a plan to exact revenge.” Or, according to this edition, “enact revenge”.

 

Brom’s words sink to a “mesmerizing whisper”.

 

You Missed a Spot: 39

 

This edition adds that it is “steadily rising in volume”. Then it can’t stay a whisper for long, now can it?

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +15

Thanks for Changing: 227

 

Galbatorix lays into a sympathetic Rider, and by the evil forces of and secrets from a Shade, he manages to inflame the Rider against “their Elders.” Yes, this edition capitalises that word, despite earlier not doing it.

 

S Continuity Fluidity: +16

Thanks for Changing: 228

 

They lure and kill an “Elder”. Galbatorix kills his ally, and runs into the night. A comparison:

 

A scream tore from his lips, and he fled into the night. As he was cunning in his madness, they could not find him. K

 

A scream tore from his lips and he fled into the night. Being cunning in his madness, they could not find him. S

 

The extra comma is nice, and the second sentence is much better in the Knopf edition, without the awkward participle.

 

Thanks for Changing: 230

 

He hides in wastelands, and finds Morzan. This edition changes the em-dash to a comma, to this effect: “Morzan, strong of body, but weak of mind.” It’s a bit too much commas, but I like it better than the em-dash.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 103

 

This edition notes that “[he uses] the same methods as before” to convince Morzan to leave a gate unbolted. So this Galbatorix couldn’t even use honest persuasion to get someone to his cause? That’s a bit pathetic.

 

Thanks for Changing: 231

 

This edition also shifts “unbolted” to the end of the sentence, after the part that the citadel is now called Urû’baen.

 

Thanks for Changing: 232

 

Galbatorix enters and steals a dragon hatchling. This edition has a closing quotation mark here, despite the other paragraphs not ending with one.

 

S PPP: +14

Thanks for Changing: 233

 

They go into an evil place, and Morzan learns evil magic. A comparison:

 

When his instruction was finished and Galbatorix’s black dragon, Shruikan, was fully grown, Galbatorix revealed himself to the world, with Morzan at his side. K

 

When his instruction was finished and Galbatorix’s black dragon Shruikan fully grown, Galbatorix revealed himself to the world, with Morzan at his side. S

 

I like that there’s commas around Shruikan in the Knopf edition.

 

Thanks for Changing: 234

 

They fight all the Riders they meet, and their strength grows. Compare:

 

Twelve of the Riders joined Galbatorix out of desire for power and revenge against perceived wrongs. K

 

Twelve of the Riders—out of desire for power and revenge—joined Galbatorix. S

 

The Knopf edition is indeed better here, though the bit about “perceived wrongs” does undermine the point somewhat.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 104

Thanks for Changing: 235

 

They become the Forsworn, and the Riders and the elves crumple like wet paper. Only Vrael can stand before them. Here’s a comparison:

 

Ancient and wise, he struggled to save what he could and keep the remaining dragons from falling to his enemies. K

 

Vrael, ancient and wise, struggled to save what he could and keep the last dragons from falling to his enemies. S

 

I like both changes: the change away from Vrael because otherwise there would be Vrael two times in two sentences, and the change from “last” to “remaining”, because the former doesn’t conflict with later canon.

 

Thanks for Changing: 236

 

They do battle in “Dorú Areaba”.

 

You Missed a Spot: 40

 

They fight, Vrael goes to Utgard, and Galbatorix kills him there, and crowns himself “King” over Alagaësia.

 

The last line reads “And from that day, has ruled us” in this edition. At least the Knopf edition fixed this blatant grammar flub.

 

S PPP: +15

Thanks for Changing: 237

 

Brom walks away. Eragon thinks he sees a tear on Brom’s cheek. People depart. Garrow says that Brom would be executed if the Empire hears of it. And the chapter ends.

 

I’ll give a blanket 20 Ill Logic points for this story:

 

Ill Logic: +20

 

In total, this edition of the chapter has 6804 words, 1358 more than the Knopf edition, and indeed longer than any chapter of the Knopf edition of Eragon and of Eldest. That means we’ve lost ~20%. In general, this chapter was nicely condensed. There were some places where there shouldn’t have been cut, but nothing egregious.

 

Let’s go on to chapter 4!

 

We’re at “the evening after their return from Carvahall”. While in the Knopf edition, Eragon simply decides the egg like Sherlock did, here we see that he decides to satisfy his curiosity about it. No problem, this is a good place to cut.

 

Thanks for Changing: 238

 

He puts “the stone” on his bed and puts three tools next to it.

 

S Dead Herrings: +19

Thanks for Changing: 239

 

He starts with a “wooden mallet”, or, according to this edition, a “wood mallet”. Right. As we’ll see, this edition had a lot of spelling errors or weirdness like this in it.

 

Thanks for Changing: 240

 

This produces a “subtle ringing”. Then goes a heavy leather hammer. This one gives a “mournful peal”. I’d like to compare the two sentences:

 

K: A mournful peal reverberated as it struck.

 

S: There was a mournful peal as it struck.

 

The Knopf edition has the fancier wording here. Not that that is bad, but it sticks out to me.

 

Then come a small chisel, and this edition again uses “the stone”.

 

S Dead Herrings: +20

Thanks for Changing: 241

 

This produces “the clearest sound yet”. And as the last note dies away, he thinks he hears a “faint squeak”. The Knopf edition uses “final note” instead of “last note”, interestingly enough.

 

We have the same bit of thinking, with two changes:

 

1) This edition has a comma between the options “the magician hasn’t taken the trouble to find it” and “they don’t know where it is”.

 

2) This edition interrupts the thought sentence immediately following this.

 

Eragon can’t answer that question. Here’s a comparison:

 

K: Resigned to an unsolvable mystery, he picked up the tools and returned the stone to its shelf.

 

S: Resigned to the fact that it was an unsolvable mystery, he picked up the tools and left.

 

I like the ending in the Knopf version better, because we’ll see the egg on the shelf later. It would have been best to avoid the Dead Herring, though.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 105

S Dead Herrings: +19

Thanks for Changing: 242

 

Time skip, and Eragon wakes up from sleep. He listens carefully. This edition says it’s to determine what’s woken him. Everything is “dark and quiet”, though. He slides his hand under the mattress and grabs his knife, which still hasn’t been mentioned as something that he regularly keeps there.

 

You Missed a Spot: 41

 

This edition adds that he also sniffs the air, but only smells “the warm wool of his blankets.” He waits for some time, and then sinks back to sleep. Or, as this edition puts it, “slowly relaxed, pulled his arm back under the sheets, and sank back to sleep.”

 

There’s a squeak, and he comes out of bed, taking his knife with him. He lights a candle. The door is closed. This edition adds “He doubted that anyone else was up.” And I don’t think they’d squeak either. The squeak’s too loud for a mouse or a rat, but he still checks under the bed. He sees nothing. Or, according to this edition, “Nothing was there.” He sits on the edge of the mattress, and there’s another squeak. The Knopf edition adds a comma.

 

Thanks for Changing: 243

 

Here’s a comparison:

 

K: Where was the noise was coming from?

 

S: Irritated, he tried to discover where the noise was coming from.

 

Yep, the Knopf edition introduced a blatant error. Great.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 106

S Paoclichés: +4 (for the irritation)

 

He goes down a list of options and settles on the egg. Comparison time:

 

K: He took it off the shelf and absently cradled it as he studied the room. A squeak rang in his ears and reverberated through his fingers; it came from the stone.

 

S: He stifled a yawn. Lethargically, he took the stone off the shelf and cradled it on his lap. A squeak rang in his ears and he knew instantly where it came from: the stone.

 

1) I think both have detail that should have been preserved.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 107

Thanks for Changing: 244

 

2) I like that in the self-published edition, Eragon explicitly figures out where the squeaking comes from.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 108

 

3) I don’t mind that we’ve lost a Dead Herring, though.

 

S Dead Herrings: +20

Thanks for Changing: 245

 

This edition adds that Eragon’s “bewildered”, as well he should.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 109

 

We get the same line about how the egg has only given him “frustration and anger”, and now it won’t let him sleep, either. Only this edition replaces the exclamation mark at the end by a full stop.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 110 (because that sounds less unreasonable)

 

It gives a very loud squeak, and this edition adds it is “in that lonely hour.” He goes back to sleep, and this edition adds “The warm bed soon lulled him to sleep.”

 

Cut to him waking up again, which flowed better when we saw him fall asleep.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 111

 

The moon shines through the window. In this edition, Eragon stares “blankly” around the room, and then jumps out of bed with his knife in hand. The Knopf edition makes him seem more reasonable, as he at least sees the egg moving before jumping out.

 

Thanks for Changing: 246

 

The egg is moving. While the Knopf edition says it’s “knocking against the wall”, this one says it’s “striking the wall with soft thumps.” It’s bathed in cool moonlight, that bleaches its surface, or, according to this edition, “bleached its surface of color, making it appear almost white.”

 

Thanks for Changing: 247

 

The egg stops moving, and then moves again. This edition has one Dead Herring less.

 

S Dead Herrings: +19

In Spite of a Nail: 112

 

Eragon curses and begins dressing. He’s determined to bury the egg. The eggs stops moving again. Look at this from the self-published edition:

 

Then rocking stopped; the stone became quiet.

 

*nods sagely* Then rocking stopped.

 

S PPP: +16

Thanks for Changing: 248

 

See what I mean about errors?

 

The egg quivers, and this edition adds it’s a “small quiver”, and drops onto the floor. It begins to wobble towards Eragon.

 

A crack appears. Then another, and another. This edition adds a comma after the first “another”. This edition adds “The top of it was falling apart.” Eragon leans in, still holding the knife. This edition adds “The stone was being pushed out.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +20

Thanks for Changing: 249

 

I don’t get the italicisation here. It’s being pushed out as opposed to… being pulled out? Why is there so much emphasis on this?

 

Thanks for Changing: 250

 

A small piece wobbles, and this edition notes it’s a “small piece of stone”.

 

S Dead Herrings: +21

Thanks for Changing: 251

 

Where the Knopf edition says it’s at “the top of the stone”, this one says it’s “at the top.”

 

S Dead Herrings: +20

In Spite of a Nail: 113

 

The piece falls to the floor. There comes “another series of squeaks”, or just “a series of squeaks”, according to this edition.

 

Thanks for Changing: 252

 

Saphira crawls out of the egg, and skitters into the moonlight. Eragon recoils in shock, because it’s a dragon. And the chapter ends.

 

It was a short chapter, but it has been extensively edited. Sadly, most of that editing resulted in deleting detail that made it easier to connect. And the main problems with Eragon stay.

 

Ill Logic: +10

 

Let’s see how many words we’ve lost. The chapter in this edition has 811 words, and the one in the Knopf edition has 705, so we’ve lost 106 words, which amounts to 13,1%.

 

And I’ll cut here. See me next time, as I’ll turn this over to Kerlois.

 

In Spite of a Nail: 113

Thanks for Changing: 252

You Missed a Spot: 41