![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pangolin20Here comes a little extra. As you might or might not know, Eragon was first self-published, and that self-published edition diverges somewhat from the Knopf edition in places. So, with the kind help of Epistler, I’ll be doing a comparison. Today’s post will cover the prologue.
I’ve got three counts for this purpose:
Thanks for Changing: This goes for when the Knopf edition is better.
In Spite of a Nail: This goes for when the self-published edition is better.
You Missed a Spot: This goes for when an error hasn’t been caught. (I’ll mostly limit this to grammar and spelling stuff, or else it would land in the thousands.)
I’ll mostly summarise the stuff that has stayed the same, with specific attention to the changes. Bold stands for additions.
Before I begin, I’ll add that I get the feeling this was more an attempt to lose words than an actual attempt at editing, though we’ll see.
Let’s begin, then!
The prologue is still titled “Shade of Fear”. We open on the same line of wind howling through the night. We then get Durza’s description, which is slightly different:
A tall Shade in dark clothes lifted his pale head and sniffed the air with an aquiline nose.
There’s some more description this time round, though it doesn’t add much. We won’t be recognising him by this later on, for example.
Thanks for Changing: 1
He looked human except for his maroon eyes and crimson hair.
This edition swaps “maroon eyes” and “crimson hair”. I don’t exactly mind it; in fact, I think this is a little more fluent than the Knopf edition.
Oh, by the way, Durza isn’t named here, either.
You Missed a Spot: 1
He blinks, and wonders if it’s a trap. This edition adds in that he weighs the odds “briefly”. Not much lost there. He tells the Urgals to spread out, with the same “or die” addition. We get the same description of the Urgals, with this exception:
A pair of twisted horns grew from each head above the small ears.
That’s very clunkily worded. Here’s the Knopf version: A pair of twisted horns grew above their small ears.
Thanks for Changing: 2
The Urgals go into the bush, Durza looks onto the path, and we’re told about his sword. The Urgals can’t see well in the dark. You know what, here I resurrect a count: Ill Logic.
Ill Logic: 5 (for everything about the Urgals here)
We’re told It was hard for them to remain quiet because of their bulk. Really? I don’t think these Urgals are all that large, and also, size does not necessarily impede stealth. If they’re not so large they scrape against the trees, they could be quiet.
Thanks for Changing: 3
An owl screeches, and we get this: The Shade spun around alertly, and the Urgals stiffened. Then we’re told everyone only relaxes after the owl has flown away. I have to say this is somewhat smoother than the Knopf edition, where we cut from the owl screeching to everyone relaxing. Cutting down on stuff shouldn’t mean removing context.
In Spite of a Nail: 1
The Urgals shiver, and one of them breaks a twig. Here is the difference:
Then the monsters shivered in the cold night; one snapped a twig with his heavy boot. (Knopf.)
Then the monsters shivered in the cold night; and one of them snapped a twig with his heavy boot. (Self-published.)
The self-published one is mostly better here.
In Spite of a Nail: 2
The semi-colon shouldn’t be there in the self-published one, though.
Thanks for Changing: 4
Next sentence:
The Shade hissed in anger, and the Urgals shrank back, motionless. K
The Shade hissed in anger, making them shrink back, motionless. S
Not that much of a difference, though the editing apparently did not catch that shrinking back motionlessly is quite hard to do.
You Missed a Spot: 2
Durza thinks they smell like fetid meat, and resolves to think of them as tools.
Hours pass by, Durza reasons the scent must have wafted ahead, and he does not let the Urgals get up.
Ill Logic: 6
He doesn’t do that himself, either. Here, the self-published edition uses “the luxury” instead of “those luxuries”. I have to say that the latter works better, since getting up and getting warm are separate things.
Thanks for Changing: 5
He keeps standing, and the smell returns. He gets excited, and tells the Urgals to get ready. His body “vibrates” here, too, but the self-published edition adds that it is “with excess energy”. Well, that makes a whole lot more sense.
In Spite of a Nail: 3
He thinks about how much plans he’s made to get here, and this edition reads He was so close to obtaining what he had desired for years—it would not do to lose control now.
Well, that’s interesting. What he has wanted for years? I thought he was doing this on orders from Galbatorix?
Thanks for Changing: 6 (less contradictions with the other material)
The Urgals get ready, and there are two changes:
1) This edition mentions “heavy” instead of “thick” brows.
2) This edition uses “they” instead of “the creatures”. So it actually gained a racism point.
In Spite of a Nail: 4
The elves appear, and now they “came” instead of “advanced” down the trail. I think the plainer word is better here.
In Spite of a Nail: 5
The horses canter towards the ambush, and this edition notes that they do it “slowly”, and it adds that they’re flowing gracefully over the rocky ground. I’m a bit puzzled by the “rocky ground” part; given that they’re in the middle of a forest, I would think there’d be a bit of a layer above the rocks.
Thanks for Changing: 7
This edition also adds They wore no saddles or harnesses. It’s not a bad addition, per se, but it’s quite pointless, because this will be one of their selling points come Eldest, and spoiling it here makes that somewhat pointless.
Cue description of the elves. The first one is still compared to a rapier, but this edition adds that can flex much without breaking. Well, considering that we’ll only get a few lines about them in Eldest, I can’t say if this is accurate.
Thanks for Changing: 8
With the other rider, this edition says that he has the same fair face and angles features as the other elf, which does nothing except tell us that they’re elves a little earlier.
Cue Arya’s description, which has three changes:
1) She looks around calmly and with poise.
2) The driving force in her eyes is animalistic in its strength. Because we’ll see just so much of that later on.
3) Her beauty is now great. Because we need to hammer in how much she’s the love interest.
Thanks for Changing: 10 (for points 2 and 3)
And also this, because of their complete lack of camouflage:
Ill Logic: 16
The elves change places, and Durza gloats about his victory. This edition adds that it’s his “anticipated” victory, which I’m sure we could figure out for ourselves.
Thanks for Changing: 11
The horses smell the Urgals, and the elves run away. The Urgals come out of hiding, and here’s another change:
the Urgals stood and released a stream of black arrows. K
the Urgals stood and shot a stream of black arrows from their bows. S
The Knopf version is better, IMO. Still should have mentioned their bows before this.
Thanks for Changing: 12
You Missed a Spot: 3
Durza uses magic to kill Arya’s horse, and the Urgals kill her guards. This edition specifically tells us that “elven” blood pools on the ground. One, that’s quite unnecessary, and two, there’s no blood from the horses? They should have been hit by the arrows, too.
Thanks for Changing: 13
The Urgals rush to the guards, and Durza screams that they have to go after Arya.
Ill Logic: 17
This edition adds He could not afford to lose her now. Thank you so much for that.
Arya cries out, which this edition notes is “stricken”. It also adds that Inexpressible loss and sorrow were borne in that wordless protest, as if she had just seen the entire world crumble and wither. Well, that’s a bit overdramatic.
Thanks for Changing: 14
She took a step toward them, then cursed her enemies and bounded into the forest. K
She took a step toward the elves, then cursed her enemies and bounded into the forest, still holding the pouch. S
Not much to comment here, except that the last part was not exactly necessary.
Here comes a somewhat larger change:
While the Urgals crashed through the trees, the Shade climbed a piece of granite that
jutted above them. K
The Urgals crashed through the trees, no sense of concealment in their actions as they searched for her. The Shade ran to a piece of granite that jutted above the trees and climbed it. S
The Knopf version is overall smoother. And the added bit is just plain unnecessary; why would the Urgals try to conceal themselves if Durza will pen Arya in soon. Also, there’s the first use of the “sense of” construction.
Thanks for Changing: 15
Durza sets the forest in fire, and we’re told the flames are scorching and charring the trees. And presumably burning them too.
Thanks for Changing: 16 (hand-holding)
Arya kills three Urgals, and runs toward Durza. Here comes another change:
The Shade examined the ground twenty feet below, then jumped and landed nimbly in front of her. K
The Shade carefully examined the ground twenty feet below, then jumped and landed in front of the elf without losing his balance or suffering injury. The elf's eyebrows met with surprise and anger. S
The emotions are welcome here. The bit about Durza not losing his balance or getting injured is a bit superfluous, though, given that we already know he has supernatural abilities.
In Spite of a Nail: 6
Thanks for Changing: 17
Arya runs away, and Urgal blood is still black.
You Missed a Spot: 4
The Urgals hem her in, and she pulls herself up with “regal disdain”. This edition adds large eyes contemptuous.
Here comes another change:
The Shade approached her with a raised hand, allowing himself to enjoy her helplessness.
“Get her.”
As the Urgals surged forward, the elf pulled open the pouch, reached into it, and then let it drop to the ground. K
Raising his hand, the Shade approached her, allowing himself to enjoy her helplessness for a moment.
“Get her.”
As the Urgals surged toward her, the elf pulled the pouch open and let it drop to the ground. S
Not much to comment on, except the last bit. In the self-published edition, it seems as if Arya just drops the pouch with Saphira’s egg in it.
Thanks for Changing: 18
Arya begins to say the teleportation spell. This edition adds that Durza is not just desperate, but “desperate to stop her”.
Thanks for Changing: 19
He shoots another bolt towards Arya, who this edition refers to as “her” instead of “the elf”. The egg disappears, leaving her hands empty, according to this edition. And when the bolt hits her, she collapses, senseless. My, this edition seems to be much worse with hand-holding, doesn’t it?
Thanks for Changing: 21
Durza howls with rage, and fling his sword at a tree, which this edition notes he does in his anger.
Thanks for Changing: 22
Next comes another larger change:
He shot nine bolts of energy from his palm—which killed the Urgals instantly—then ripped his sword free and strode to the elf. K
Turning, he shot nine bolts of energy from his palm, killing the Urgals instantly, then ripped his sword free and strode to the elf. S
I’d say the self-published edition goes smoother here.
In Spite of a Nail: 7
This edition then adds this line: Hatred simmered in his heart as he stared at her. A little overblown, I think.
He clenches his hands and looks at the sky. Then he looked back at the unconscious elf. The Knopf edition says here that he turned back to the unconscious elf, which doesn’t work out, as he didn’t turn away from Arya to look at the stars.
In Spite of a Nail: 8
PPP: +1
Finally, when he looks confirms the egg is gone, this edition adds and that his eyes had not been fooled. Not too bad, given that there will be illusion magic later on.
And that was that for this chapter. It was quite lightly changed, compared to some other chapters.
The counts stand at:
In Spite of a Nail: 8
Thanks for Changing: 22
You Missed a Spot: 4
That looks quite promising!
Looking at how much we’ve cut down, this edition has 1585 words, and the Knopf edition has 1400. So we’ve already lost 185 words.
See you in the comparison for chapter 1!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome back to the self-published edition of Eragon. This time, I’ll tackle chapter 1.
As before, we open on Eragon kneeling in “trampled reed grass”. The self-published edition says it’s a “stand” instead of a bed. I’m inclined to say the self-published one is better here, since reed grass stands up.
In Spite of a Nail: 8
He looks over the tracks, and tells us that the deer will soon bed down.
You Missed A Spot: 5
He’s amazed the doe he’s after has made it so far, and this edition adds The defect made her choice prey. Why, thanks for explaining! I’m also not really keen on the word “defect” here.
Thanks for Changing: 23
Then we get the same paragraph of description, with some minor changes:
1) The first sentence is split in two sentences.
2) “A silvery cloud” has become “a small silvery cloud”.
3) “Snowpacks” is spelled as “snow packs”.
Then comes Eragon’s physical description, which is identical, except for that he now has “thick” eyebrows instead of “dark” ones. I prefer dark eyebrows, in this case.
Thanks for Changing: 24
We’re again told the deer have led him into the Spine, which is now also called “wild”. Here we get a more substantive edit:
Strange tales and men often came from the mountains, usually boding ill. Despite that, he did not fear the mountains—he was the only hunter from or around Carvahall who dared track game deep into its craggy recesses. S
Strange tales and men often came from those mountains, usually boding ill. Despite that, Eragon did not fear the Spine—he was the only hunter near Carvahall who dared track game deep into its craggy recesses. K
The Knopf edition is better here; it avoids using “mountains” three times in a row. Regarding the last change, I think “from Carvahall” would work better than either version.
Thanks for Changing: 25
Eragon explains that his food is half-gone.
If he did not fell the doe, he would be forced to return home to Palancar Valley empty handed—a painful thought. S
If he did not fell the doe, he would be forced to return home empty-handed. K
The Knopf edition is again tighter, and hyphenates empty-handed.
Thanks for Changing: 26
Eragon explains that they need meat and can’t afford to buy it. This edition splits the clauses into sentences, and uses meat in the latter one.
Thanks for Changing: 27
This edition adds It was so expensive that the few gold coins his Uncle had saved over the years would soon disappear, which is hilarious, as in this same edition, he gives Eragon and Roran money to buy treats with. So much for “the few gold coins”. Also, in this edition, “Uncle” is capitalised for some reason.
Thanks for Changing: 28
Eragon goes into the forest, and there is some restructuring here:
then strode out of the meadow into the forest. The trees blocked the sky from view and cast feathery shadows on the ground and cast feathery shadows on the ground as he hurried toward a glen where he was sure the deer would rest. S
then strode into the forest toward a glen where he was sure the deer would rest. The trees blocked the sky from view and cast feathery shadows on the ground. K
The Knopf edition is tighter.
Thanks for Changing: 29
Another change:
He looked at the tracks only occasionally now; he had been here before and knew the way. S
He looked at the tracks only occasionally; he knew the way. K
I think the changes balance each other out here. Deleting the “now” is good, because we haven’t seen him check up on the tracks very often before now. Knowing that he’s been here before helps clear things up.
Now we get some entirely new material! Eragon crests “a small ridge”, and stalks down into “a small gorge filled with the sound of running water.” Only the sound of running water; guess there’s an audio installation nearby. The mist is thicker that low, which makes it hard to see the ground. Eragon likes that, though, “because the damp air would mask his scent from the deer.” He reaches the glen, just as in canon, though this version remarks it’s “woody”. It also notes he slides his bow out of the tube.
Okay, the extra content is not bad, per se, but it doesn’t exactly add anything, either. And having done comparisons of the next few chapters, I can say that that will keep up. Here it’s good that it’s cut.
Eragon draws some arrows (“silently” in this edition), and holds them in his left hand.
You Missed a Spot: 6
This edition has a paragraph break here, and it says Barely moving, he slid through the brush. I think I know what Paolini means, but still, if Eragon’s barely moving, he won’t come very far.
Thanks for Changing: 30
Eragon can see “motionless lumps” where the deer lie.
You Missed a Spot: 7
And here’s some new material. Eragon says they’re camouflaged well; it takes him several looks before he realises what they are. He “slips between two trees” and “[fights] to keep his breathing quiet.” He thinks that he can lose the deer if he startles them now. He pauses and looks at “the ground ahead.”
Here is a paragraph break in this edition, and we get the same line about the doe, except that here, the comma is a semicolon. I don’t think “her leg stretched out awkwardly” makes for a very good sentence.
Thanks for Changing: 31
This edition also expands here. Eragon slowly “creeps closer”, keeping his bow ready. When he’s at “ten yards”, he’s close enough to shoot, but instead he “gather[s] himself to dash forward.” Tremors run through his legs, “and his breathing slow[s] until it almost stop[s].” Good luck trying to hit the deer when you don’t have air, Eragon. I could buy it if his breathing became shallow, but not that he barely breathes at all.
Thanks for Changing: 32
We get the canon line about how he’s been at this for three days, except that this edition says it’s been “focused” on this moment. Here comes a line-comparison:
He took a last steadying breath and… an explosion shattered the night. S
He took a last steadying breath and—an explosion shattered the night. K
Swapping out the em-dash with an ellipsis makes this flow much better. Pity it was changed. Also, the “last steadying breath” bit works better when we didn’t just establish that Eragon was barely breathing.
In Spite of a Nail: 9
Thanks for Changing: 33
In general, I do think the extra detail adds here. There is more opportunity to be shocked at the explosion, and it’s also easier to get invested here.
In Spite of a Nail: 10
The herd bolts. Eragon runs into the explosion, and takes the time to fire at the doe.
Ill Logic: 22
You Missed a Spot: 8
In this edition, he does more. “His hands [are] a blur” as he fires “the other two shafts” at the deer. He sees the arrows miss and disappear into the grass.
1) This is worse than in canon! Here he takes the time to shoot even more arrows at deer that are beyond his reach, and he doesn’t even react!
2) “Other two shafts”? He had three spare arrows in his left hand.
Thanks for Changing: 35
Well, Eragon finally reacts, and looks back to the area, of which we now get the same description. There’s some things here:
1) Instead of saying the “pines” have been stripped of their needles, this edition says it’s the “nearby trees.”
2) This edition also uses “blast radius”. Oops.
3) A line change:
The mist, which had been blown away, snaked back over the charred area and swirled insubstantial tendrils over the stone. S
Mist snaked across the scorched area and swirled insubstantial tendrils over the stone. K
For points…
You Missed a Spot: 9 (for “blast radius”)
In Spite of a Nail: 11
The last point because the mist comes out of nowhere in the Knopf edition, because its earlier mentions are removed.
Eragon watches for danger for some time, and the only thing that moves is the mist. This edition adds that it’s the only thing that moves “in the sky or on the ground.” I think we can do perfectly well without that addition.
Thanks for Changing: 36
Eragon now release the tension from his bow, and this edition notes that “he still held it ready”. He stops before the egg, and this edition says that the moonlight “gave him” a pale shadow, instead of “casting him in” it. He nudges the egg with an arrow, and when nothing happens, he picks it up.
Ill Logic: 23
We get the same description, and it is still “frictionless” and feels like “hardened silk”.
You Missed a Spot: 11
He notes that it feels lighter than it should, and this edition adds “as if it were hollow”. Good to see the mystery was even worse in the original edition.
Thanks for Changing: 37
He thinks the egg is both beautiful and frightening, and this edition notes it is “out of place in his world.” He has the same thoughts as before, only this edition uses a comma instead of a colon to introduce the last thought.
Thanks for Changing: 38
He tells us he’s learned to treat magic with caution, and then we get some new material:
Witches and Shades whirled in his mind as he imagined many fanciful things.
Nice that Eragon thinks some more about who could have sent it, but detail would be nice here.
~~~
Recently there had been reports of strange beasts in the area, especially around Utgard Mountain,
Which is at the other end of the valley, so I don’t know why they’d have anything to do with this. Also, I don’t think this will go anywhere. At least in the Knopf edition, it’s mentioned nowhere.
but he doubted that a brute monster could be responsible for the stone’s materialization.
Me too. I don’t really like the phrase “brute monster” here to describe wild animals. Also, the original had an extra Dead Herring.
Thanks for Changing: 40
He shivered. If a Shade had sent it, he was in trouble. Shades were few and far between, even in legends.
Well, this extra information certainly helps! Pity it was cut.
In Spite of a Nail: 12
They were human, at least they were born so, but their sorcery transformed them into something more than flesh and bone. In the process they gained great powers, but at the price of becoming absolutely evil.
This will not be entirely accurate to what we will learn later, but it certainly does help to have an explanation here instead of at the end of the book.
In Spite of a Nail: 13
I do like the inaccuracy, though; it feels like something people could have come up with as a legend.
With an effort he put the notion out of his mind. There had been no Shade in Alagaësia for over a century.
Oh? Good to get to know that from the self-published edition.
In Spite of a Nail: 14
Other than that, though, what kind of logic is this? Yes, there may not have been a Shade for over a hundred years, but why couldn’t there be a new Shade, like there actually is? If anything, I’d expect Eragon to go “why would a Shade send this stone into the middle of the mountains?”
~~~
Whatever the stone was, and wherever it had come from, the deer were lost to him now. It was time to go home.
And this is the last new bit. Overall, I do think it helped the story. We have some explanation of Shades, and Eragon actually thinks it over.
In Spite of a Nail: 15
Thanks for Changing: 41 (for the dead herring)
Eragon thinks over what he should do with the egg, which is an indirect thought here. And in this edition it flows from what came before, instead of being somewhat jarring in the Knopf edition.
In Spite of a Nail: 16
He thinks it would be tiresome to carry, and might be dangerous, and that he’d best leave it behind. This edition adds this sentence: But if he did, and someone else found it, then what might happen? Uh, no idea. I don’t think it’s likely that anyone would even find it, after all. And if you’re worried about what might happen, why don’t you throw it over the Igualda Falls, then? That should destroy it proper.
He has a flicker of indecision, but something makes him take the egg. In this edition, the sentence is split in two, with an additional Dead Herring.
Thanks for Changing: 42
There comes another split sentence as he decides to take it along because “it might pay for some food”.
Ill Logic: 24
He makes camp beneath a fallen tree, and falls asleep, exactly like in canon. And the chapter ends there.
Let’s see how much words we’ve lost. The self-published edition has 1259 words, while the Knopf edition has 845, so we’ve lost 414 words.
Until chapter two!
Ill Logic: 24
In Spite of a Nail: 16
Thanks for Changing: 24
You Missed a Spot: 11
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the second chapter of the Eragon comparison!
The chapter begins much the same, with the same description of the environment, including the “glorious conflagration” the sun rises with.
Eragon has breakfast and examines the charred area, and this edition notes that he does so “again”. In the Knopf edition, he sees that there’s no new details, so he goes home. This edition has an entire new paragraph put in here. Let’s look at it.
The morning light revealed no new details, which frustrated him.
Because of course he gets “frustrated”, another classic Paocliché.
~~~
The more he thought about it, the less likely it seemed that the stone could have appeared to him by chance.
Thanks for Changing: 25 (a Dead Herring less)
The Spine was vast, and there were so few people in it that even if a magician sent thousands of stones into the mountains, the odds were against anyone finding even one of them.
Thanks for Changing: 26
1) “Vast”? Measuring the Spine yields an estimate of 1,5 by 12 plus 5,5 by 0,5 centimetres, which works out to 20,75 square centimetres. As one square centimetre on the map stands for 2500 square miles, the surface is 51875 square miles, which is ~134356 km2. That’s smaller than the Alps, which have a area of some 200000 km2. And, going on my calculations from chapter 3, the Spine covers 4,1% of the area on the map, so I guess that it covers about 5% of Alagaësia proper. It’s not exactly small, but it isn’t vast either.
2) So there’s a quite good chance that no one would notice a single egg, but thousands of eggs going completely seems quite silly to me. Okay, there would generally be about 11,6 kilometres between them, if they’re distributed uniformly, but still, I’d say the odds are for someone finding at least one egg.
3) The Spine isn’t that empty at all! There’s lots of Urgals in it! But, as we can see here, Eragon apparently does not see them as people.
And at this point in time, Eragon’s not supposed to be wrong, yet.
His mind boggled to think of how much unexplored and hidden land there was.
Not that much, as I’ve said above. Also, the Urgals have already explored it, Eragon! This just feels decidedly colonial, as if an area only counts as known if humans have gone in and subjugated the native inhabitants. Given how much the Urgals will be based off Native Americans later on, I really don’t feel comfortable with this.
But who would want him to have the stone? And why?
Thanks for Changing: 27
Yes, there were even more dead herrings in the original. Also, this is beginning to get repetitive.
Though I like to think otherwise, I’m really not that special or important, he acknowledged wryly to himself.
My, some perspective from Eragon of all people? Say it ain’t so!
He could think of no reason why this should have happened to him, nor what he was supposed to do now.
Um, I think the plot is the reason why. And I don’t think you’re “supposed” to do anything… Also, hasn’t he decided in the previous chapter that he’s going to use it to buy food?
Thanks for Changing: 28
Besides, whatever the stone might be worth, it was just that: a beautiful stone. What could it be used for?
Thanks for Changing: 30
This is at odds with his characterisation from next chapter, where he’s gathering shiny stones. Why wouldn’t he want to take it home for that?
Thanks for Changing: 31
~~~
He wondered if his uncle or cousin would believe him when he told them how he had lost the deer.
Uh, just bring the egg. I think they’ll believe you then.
~~~
Dissatisfied by his lack of answers, he started for home.
And here ends the new stuff. It’s for the best it was cut. One thinking session was fine, but this one was useless, introduced no new information, had more dead herrings, was somewhat colonialist, and broke continuity.
Thanks for Changing: 32
Now for a comparison:
The rough game trail he followed was faintly worn, and in places, nonexistent. S
The rough game trail was faintly worn and, in places, nonexistent. K
I especially like the fucked-up sentence structure of the self-published one.
Thanks for Changing: 33 (at least some grammar flubs were caught)
Eragon gripes that it detours and backtracks, in an order that is reversed from the Knopf edition. He also phrases it as “backtracked on itself”, which seems somewhat redundant to me.
Thanks for Changing: 34
Eragon says that it’s the fastest way out of the mountains, and this edition deletes “still” from the sentence. I think the Knopf edition was right in inserting that word. Now we get another new paragraph!
Occasionally he saw broad slashes on tree trunks, trail markers left by enterprising hunters and trappers. He had met only two people in the mountains this month.
This is nice. We actually see the presence of the trappers, instead of being merely told of them.
In Spite of a Nail: 17
Few men would risk the Spine’s dangers for an uncertain reward, especially this far north and this late in the year.
Ah yes, so far north, at 33 degrees north latitude. Fuck it, I’ll give it this:
Thanks for Changing: 35
But being alone in the wilderness did not bother him—he had grown accustomed to it long ago. He could take care of himself.
So Garrow has let him hunt on his own like this for years?? That’s straight-up irresponsible and basically child abuse.
Look Away: +5
Garrow doesn’t get more sympathetic, let’s keep it at that.
Back to the comparison. The Spine is one of the only places that Galbatorix can’t call his own.
You Missed a Spot: 12 (for King Big King)
Half of his army disappeared in the Spine some time ago. This edition adds: “The mountain range had been inhospitable to the weak and unwary ever since then.”
1) So before that time, there was no danger from avalanches, rockslides, blizzards, Urgals, etc. I don’t believe a thing of that. I just think that after that, people began to pay more attention to these misfortunes.
2) So it is hospitable to the “wary and strong”, then? There’s no freak accidents? Don’t believe that either.
Thanks for Changing: 36
This edition also notes “dangerous predators” as a danger of the Spine.
1) What kind of predators, then? Wolves? Bears? Eagles?
2) We won’t exactly see this, other than a brief part in Eldest, but even then, they don’t try to attack humans.
3) If they’re such a notable feature of the Spine, why don’t we ever hear about them, then??
Thanks for Changing: 37
He repeats that there seems to be a “cloud of misfortune and bad luck” hanging over it. The trees grow tall and the sky is bright, but, as this edition adds, “tragedy could strike at any moment.” Egads, shut up! We’ll never, ever see any of this! So all these claims fall completely flat.
Thanks for Changing: 38
There’s an extra paragraph in this, and we’re back to canon. Eragon asserts that few people can stay in the Spine without having an accident. He’s one of them because he’s vigilant and has sharp reflexes. He’s hiked there for years, but he’s still wary and doesn’t understand them always, like the egg’s appearance showed. And now we get even more new material!
I’m somewhat ambivalent on this. On the one hand, it’s nice to have some better look into Eragon’s head, but on the other, it’s quite irrelevant to the story at hand, and it makes it feel sludgy.
Thanks for Changing: 39
Let’s see what we’ve got:
The Spine was the second-largest mountain range in Alagaësia. Far to the southeast were the Beor Mountains, which by some accounts were more than ten times the height of any other mountain.
Yes, the Beor Mountains will figure extensively later on, and I’m happy that they’re introduced here, instead of in chapter 28, as in the Knopf edition, where a reworked version of this paragraph is introduced. Kerlois will address the differences there.
In Spite of a Nail: 18
Southeast also fits if I look at the map.
I do have to say that those accounts are absolutely ludicrous. Over ten times higher than any other mountain?? If we say the Spine is between 3 and 4 kilometres high, the Beor Mountains would be over 30 to 40 kilometres high! At least the Knopf edition tones these accounts down for a bit.
Thanks for Changing: 40
He privately believed that most of their height was due to exaggeration.
1) Why does he believe that “privately”? What, will Garrow beat him up if he says that out loud? Why shouldn’t he believe that openly?
2) This sentence is phrased really poorly. It sounds like the mountains grow if their height is exaggerated.
Thanks for Changing: 41
~~~
Branches stirred in a breeze, and Eragon thought he saw a pair of twisted Urgal horns.
Yes, this is exactly this abrupt. Does make for a good jump-scare, though.
He sprinted down the trail in alarm, then saw that the horns were only dead wood shining in the sun. Feeling foolish, he drank some water to calm his nerves. Last night’s events had made him jumpy.
Well, that amounted to nothing at all. Okay, it demonstrates he’s nervous from the appearance of the egg, but other than that, it’s completely random and disjointed.
Thanks for Changing: 42
He had never seen an Urgal before, although he knew what their horns looked like.
And you’ve never had them described to you?
Morn, the tavern keeper, had bought a pair from a trader and mounted them over his bar.
To begin with the good, we have an earlier introduction of Morn, the Urgal horns don’t come as out of nowhere, and we know where they came from.
In Spite of a Nail: 21
As for the rest… Urgal horns are apparently being traded. I don’t think I need to explain how gross and horrible this is. And I do think less of Morn for mounting those in his tavern. But hey, nothing wrong with any of this yet, right?
Look Away: +1
RVMP: +1
Back to canon. Eragon keeps up “a brisk pace”, and makes good progress. This edition deletes the comma between the clauses. I’ve noticed that the Knopf edition consistently inserts commas like this.
Thanks for Changing: 43
He reaches the Anora River, and this edition notes that “he exited a small gully” to do so. We get the same description of the river, and Eragon goes to sleep again. While the Knopf edition says the camps “near the ravine”, this one says that he camps “a bowshot from the ravine”. I guess both editions are equally valid, but I don’t see the point in changing this.
We get a time skip.
A day and a half passes, and Eragon sees little wildlife. We get some more new content:
Only the birds seemed completely free and happy. Their songs and calls echoed through the trees like flutes, while splashes of light spilled from the clouds and bathed the landscape with beams of shifting gold.
Not bad; I can picture what Paolini’s going for. But because it is a summary, I can’t really get attached to this.
This edition inserts another paragraph break. He reaches the Igualda falls, and this edition adds a sentence about water condensing on his face and streaming off. Okay, this detail does help with making this story feel more based in an actual world.
In Spite of a Nail: 22
We get some more new material: Eragon walks to the edge of “the outcropping.” Clouds drift around him “like a lazy herd fattening itself with future rain.” Some clouds are impaled on “mountaintops” and rent to pieces, and other drift closer to the ground.
Again, it’s nice, but not when we’re waiting for the plot to begin.
Thanks for Changing: 44
We get the same description of Palancar Valley, “exposed like an unrolled map.”
You Missed a Spot: 13
There’s some other changes, too. This edition notes, like the Knopf one, that the land in the valley is “tan or sandy”, where there’s dead grass. It also notes that “[in] other places [is] dark green, blue in the distance, where trees advance[] out of the mountains and onto the valley floor.”
In Spite of a Nail: 23
And when the course of the Anora River is described, this edition notes that after it goes past Utgard, it “[leaves] Palancar Valley.” Given that the next sentence states that it turns to the sea, and that we can see on the map that Utgard is the end of Palancar Valley, that somewhat redundant.
Thanks for Changing: 45
Also, this: “The Anora River wound from the falls toward Palancar’s southern end”. This is the only time “Palancar” is used for “Palancar Valley”, so I think it’s an error.
PPP: +1
You Missed a Spot: 14
Eragon takes a pause, and this edition notes that it is “to let his mind run free and his body rest”. He begins the descent. This edition adds the following:
The winding trail followed a long arm of the mountain that gently sloped to the valley floor close to Carvahall. The path was worn smooth from the people who used it to reach the falls.
1) It would have been nice to know earlier how the path goes! In Eldest, I constantly felt like the path went straight along the falls, and I was wondering how anyone could evacuate an entire village via that way!
In Spite of a Nail: 24
2) Why is the path worn smooth by people why go to the falls? No one from Carvahall wants to do so, and the trappers who go that way aren’t so numerous. Also, wouldn’t it be dangerous to walk on, then?
Thanks for Changing: 46
This edition inserts another paragraph break. Eragon arrives at “the bottom of the mountain”, as this edition helpfully clarifies. There’s dusk everywhere, and the lights from Carvahall shimmer nearby. This edition adds that “[m]ore lights appeared as it grew darker and people prepared for night.” We have some more description of how little people come here and how secluded it is.
We get another new paragraph! Eragon walks across the fields of “Kiselt, one of the farmers who lived in Carvahall.” Ah yes, we’ll meet him in Eldest, and he’ll get to speak four times. He’s one of the farmer NPC’s. “Corn stubble” crackles under his feet, which Eragon notes is the remnant of a harvest. Dogs bark at him from houses, but they leave him alone. He walks onto the “main road”, which is “rutted, dusty, and hard under his feet.” He goes along “Gedric’s large tanning vats”, where he wrinkles his nose at the smell, and goes into Carvahall.
Well, this paragraph has been rightly cut. It adds absolutely nothing. Okay, we learn about Kiselt and Gedric, but Kiselt will barely be relevant, and we won’t meet Gedric for quite some time yet.
Thanks for Changing: 47
We get the same description of Carvahall, with some minor changes:
1) It says that windows brighten as candles or lamps are lit, and this edition adds that they’re lit “behind” the windows.
2) This edition adds the following: “People had finished the day’s business, so the streets were mostly empty.”
3) The sentence about wives fetching their husbands is split in two, and this edition notes that they’re scurrying “out of the houses”.
Thanks for Changing: 48 (for the two instances of hand-holding)
Now we get some more new material. Eragon goes between the houses, and this edition adds that he’s “ducking into the shadows out of habit”, which is a nice character moment. He goes for the butcher’s shop. This edition adds this part:
He passed Gertrude’s small house on the way. She was Carvahall’s healer and midwife—her herbs and poultices often meant the difference between life and death.
Well, that would have been nice to keep here. We’ll get her introduction anyway, but still, there was no need to cut this out.
In Spite of a Nail: 25
This edition notes he “reache[s] his destination”, which is a “thick, broad-beamed building”. The chimney still emits “black smoke” for no reason.
You Missed a Spot: 15
He pushes the door open, and this edition notes that he goes in. I do find that this one flows smoother than the Knopf edition.
In Spite of a Nail: 26
We get the description of the interior. The room is warm, and there’s a fire in the fireplace. This edition adds “Wood was piled in the corner next to it.” There’s a counter, and the floor is still strewn with straw.
Ill Logic: 25
You Missed a Spot: 16
Was it so hard to fix this?? Anyway, this edition adds that “chairs were scattered around.” What for? And why are they “scattered around”? That just seems very inconvenient. Why wouldn’t Sloan sort them, anyway? He’s apparently obsessively cleaning the room, but he can’t be bothered to put those chairs right? It’s possible, but it is inconsistent.
Thanks for Changing: 49
In fact, the very next sentence establishes how clean the place is.
Hmmm. After this paragraph, I’ll also do comparison counts for the self-published and the Knopf edition.
We’re introduced to Sloan, and this edition puts “The butcher Sloan” ahead. He’s wearing a cotton shirt and a “long bloodstained smock.” The Knopf edition thankfully puts a comma in there.
Thanks for Changing: 50
We get his physical description, and this edition notes that his eyes are “hard” as well as “black”. He’s polishing the counter.
Here come the comparison counters, then:
-1 for RVMP, because the Knopf edition uses “the creatures” instead of they.
S RVMP: -1
Somewhat debatable, but +1 on No-Wave Feminism, because the self-published one described Arya as having “great beauty”, and given how much she’ll be objectified later, that doesn’t sit right with me.
S No-Wave Feminism: +1
+3 on general hand-holding throughout the prologue.
S Hand-Holding: +3
-1 on PPP, as mentioned at the end of the prologue.
S PPP: -1
+1 on Continuity Fluidity, because the Knopf edition doesn’t say that Garrow has very little gold.
S Continuity Fluidity: +1
S PPP: +1 (for barely moving while moving)
S PPP: +1 (unnecessary semicolon)
S PPP: -1 (ellipsis instead of dash at the explosion)
S Dead Herrings: +1 (for “as if [the egg] were hollow”)
S Dead Herrings: +3 (for three mentions of the “stone”)
S RVMP: +2 (for the colonial thoughts earlier)
S Dead Herrings: +3 (for three mentions of the “stone”)
S PPP: +1 (for nonexistent with a comma in front of it)
S Continuity Fluidity: +2 (for Eragon asking for the value of the egg and 33 degrees north being “this far north”)
S Continuity Fluidity: +2 (for the unsupported claims about the Spine)
S Continuity Fluidity: +1 (for the path that’s been worn smooth)
S Continuity Fluidity: +1 (for the chairs)
S Petty Ain’t the Word for You: +1 (for mentioning Sloan’s “hard eyes”)
That works out to:
S Continuity Fluidity: +6
S Dead Herrings: +7
S Hand-Holding: +3
S No-Wave Feminism: +1
S PPP: +1
S RVMP: +1
I’ll merge them with the main counts when I catch up. Let’s go on.
Sloan’s mouth twists, and this edition says it’s “as he saw Eragon enter”, instead of “as Eragon entered.” He makes a quip about Eragon being a mighty hunter, and asks how many Eragon bagged “this time”.
Eragon says none. This edition adds this: “He took off his pack and set it on one of the chairs, relieved to have the weight off his shoulders.” Rather a change from the Knopf edition, where he keeps it on his back all the time. I’m quite certain this will cause an In Spite of a Nail instance, in the classic sense.
We get Eragon’s Reasons Sloan Suck speech again, with some differences:
1) This edition uses “He had never cared for Sloan” instead of “He had never liked Sloan”. I think the latter fits better here.
Thanks for Changing: 51
2) This edition adds “And his prices were high” onto the list. That only makes me wonder more why no-one has said anything about him yet.
S Ill Logic: +1
Thanks for Changing: 52
3) This is the final sentence in both editions:
A widower, Sloan seemed to care for only one person—his daughter, Katrina, on whom he doted. K
A widower, the only person Sloan seemed to care for was his daughter Katrina, whom he doted on. S
The self-published one goes much smoother.
In Spite of a Nail: 27
And here I’ll cut off this part, because I’ve come pretty far already and because the confrontation between Eragon and Sloan will be quite heavily rewritten.
Here’s the counts:
Ill Logic: 25
In Spite of a Nail: 27
Thanks for Changing: 52
You Missed a Spot: 16