BattleAxe First Read: Chapter One: The Tower of the Seneschal (Part II)

[pangolin20]

Chapter One (Part I) | Table of Contents | Chapter Two (Part I)

NRSG: A good day, everyone, and welcome back to BattleAxe! Last time, we mainly saw several people arguing with each other, while we did not yet learn what is actually happening. Now we will, thankfully.

 

Gilbert says that Magariz was able to retrieve some of the bodies of the lost soldiers. “It appears they had been… eaten. Chewed. Nibbled. Tasted.” Ah, but were they tasty? I also think I must issue this for “nibbled”:

Tone Soap: 14

I may be used to the word being used like this, but that does not mean the intended audience would be.

I also note I have accidentally neglected another count, so:

Stick to a POV: 3

We are told that Gilbert’s voice is dry, “demonstrating an unexpected flair for the macabre.” If you say so, Douglass. He says that there are “no known animals” in northern Ichtar or “Ravensbund” that would attack or eat “a grown man in armour and defended with sword and spear.” The grammar of that last part is decidedly off. Also, I think the readers might know some animals who do…

Jayme’s anger fades into “perplexion” as he asks if the “great icebears” might be responsible. The narration tells us that occasionally, stories pass down “about man-eating icebears in the extreme north of Ravensbund.” Regarding “icebears”, it seems like a calque of German “Eisbär”, Dutch “ijsbeer”, or a North Germanic name, like Danish “isbjørn”. Not that strange a name, really, and it is also more in line with the other Germanic language, so no Better Commando Name.

Gilbert says Gorkenfort is too far inland for the icebears, as they would either have to “walk down the Gorken Pass for some sixty leagues” (270 miles/435 kilometres), or go across the “lesser arm of the Icescarp Alps” to get there. Measuring with my fingers (because I cannot get a ruler on the screen accurately), confirms this to fit with the earlier figure of 200 leagues. Gilbert says that the icebears also have “no head for heights”, and he says that he fears they are not responsible.

Moryson then suggests that it may be the “Ravensbundmen themselves”, and we get exposition on who they are. Regarding the name “Ravensbund”, it seems like a compound of English “raven” and German “Bund” (league; alliance) to me. I would have liked it considerably more if it were consistently English or German, so “Ravensleague” or “Rabensbund”, with my preference going to the latter. Just anything other than this awful chimera to add to the list of names from all kinds of different languages. (Not that I have anything against chimeras, this name just does not work.)

A Better Commando Name: 12

Well, we are told that they are “theoretically” a province of Achar, under the administration of the Duke of Ichtar on behalf of the king. That would factually make it a colony, but whatever. Oh, it is also the northwestern kind-of-peninsula on the map. Regardless, Ravensbund is “such an extraordinarily wild and barren place, inhabited by uncouth tribes who [spend] nearly all their time hunting seals and great icebears in the extreme north”, that both Priam or Borneheld generally leave it be. Ah yes, I am very certain that these “tribes” will not turn out to be a very racist Inuit stereotype at all. Because that is just what we need. This bit of text also reiterates Priam and Borneheld’s titles for some reason, as if we could not have remembered that.

So, the garrison at Gorkenfort is effectively the northernmost point of Acharite “administration and military power”. The Ravensbundmen are not much trouble, but most Acharites “regard[] them as little more than barbaric savages.” Yes, we get it, Douglass. Can you please show us that this is not, in fact, the case, then? You have already done so with Ameld’s people very well, and, to a somewhat lesser extent, with StarDrifter’s people, so why not do this with the Ravensbundmen? Even a line from Ameld about her, like “She knew that the Ravensbund lived far to the north, and they might accept her, but the distance was too great for her, and living on the ice did not appeal to her” would have been nice. And also, note the implication from Moryson that the Ravensbund might be cannibals. Very classy, Douglass. You know what, I will import this count, too:

RVMP: 12 (2 for now, 10 for the Skraelings earlier, as that is a quite important worldbuilding element.)

Gilbert says he thinks not, as the Ravensbund have suffered just as bad, if not worse. And many of the “Ravensbund tribes” are moving southward into Ichtar, telling “truly terrible” tales. Jayme asks what these tales are, tapping his chin. Gilbert says the tales are of “the winter gone mad, and of the wind come alive.” They tell of invisible “ice creatures” living in the wind “and hungering for human flesh. They say the only warning that comes before an attack is a whisper on the wind.” So Skraelings! And they have become considerably more dangerous, too.

Gilbert further says that they are generally visible after they attack, because “[o]nce they have gorged”, they are “slimed with the blood of their victims.” Hmm, they must be quite messy eaters indeed to be this visible… He says that the Ravensbund are afraid enough of them to leave (yes, I think we might have figured that out ourselves), and they “have never been afraid of anything before”, “savages as they are.”

RVMP: 13

Jayme asks if the Ravensbund have tried to attack the beings. Gilbert says they have, but the creatures are “somehow…insubstantial”, and they do not fear. I have to say that all of this would have been more impactful to hear about for the first time, one of many ways in which the prologue will hurt the rest of the story.

This Is What the Mystery: 20

He says that if any soldiers are close enough to attack, they generally die, and only “a few have escaped encounters with these…” At this point, Moryson softly suggests “Forbidden Ones”. We are told that they are all anxious at the mention, and that none of them wanted to be the one to mention the possibility first. Too bad that the readers can have already deduced that the Forbidden Ones are not the Skraelings. After all, the prologue mentioned that the Skraelings do not like trees, and this chapter mentioned that the Forbidden Ones found shelter in trees. And it would be so easy to fix! Just delete the relevant line from the prologue!

This Is What the Mystery: 21

Jayme tells Moryson not to jump to such conclusions and to wait until they have heard everything Gilbert has to say. We are told that all three have “forgotten the tension and anger that Gilbert’s jibe [has] caused moments before.” Um, I am quite certain that was more than “moments” before… Let me check.

(some time later) I have checked with Malcoby, and when he read the intervening dialogue, it took him 80 seconds. That is certainly not “moments”. Good to see our first continuity error. Gilbert says that Magariz’s soldiers also saw Skraelings, though most of them who came close enough to see died. They found one man only just alive, who dies several minutes after Magariz arrived. The man said he had been attacked by creatures without form that he could not harm with his sword. Jayme asks how they managed to wound the soldier, as the Gorkenfort garrison is “among the best armoured soldiers in the realm.”

Gilbert says that, according to the man, the Skraelings surrounded him, “then simply oozed through the gaps in his armour until they lay between it and his skin. Then they began to eat.” However that works, as I am having trouble visualising this. I can only surmise that they somehow made the armour insubstantial too, because otherwise, I do not know how this can work. Other than that, this is quite scary and horrific indeed, and it ought to present a great threat to Achar’s army.

Gilbert stops for a moment, and all three “contemplate such a horrific death.” Jayme closes his eyes, and prays for Artor to “hold [the soldier] and keep him in His care”.

Stick to a POV: 4

Then we get this line: “I wonder why they left him alive?” Moryson wondered softly. I just wanted to include this, for the utterly unnecessary speech tag. Gilbert replies, his voice “caustic”. He says that they had already eaten the rest of the patrol, so “[o]ne assumes they were reasonably full.” (pulls cloak tighter about them) I do like horror, I must say, so I would want to see more of this. A pity I cannot stand gore…

Jayme stands up at this and goes to a cabinet. He proposes to drink some wine, considering they still have to do the reports from Smyrton. He pours out three goblets of “deep red wine” and divides them before sitting down.

He then intones “Furrow wide, furrow deep”. Moryson and Gilbert do the same, “repeating the ritual phrases that serve[] all Artor-fearing Acharites as blessings and greetings for most occasions in life.” For one, I am quite certain this is a single phrase. For another, this is a very generic plough-based greeting, and I think Douglass could have easily come up with a better one.

Well, both the phrase and the wine comfort everyone, and soon they pick up the thread again. Jayme asks what other news there was from the north, hoping that the wine will help comfort him. Gilbert says the winter was “particularly severe”. Even in Carlon, they suffered “extreme cold” during February and March. These are “Raven-month” and “Hungry-month” here. I do wonder why Douglass chose “Hungry-month” instead of “Hunger-month”, when all the other month names have a noun instead of an adjective.

A Better Commando Name: 13

Gilbert notes that the thaw came in “Flower-month” (May), a month later than usual. The cold was naturally worse to the north, and he believes that the “winter ice and snow” stayed during the summer “in places above the Urqhart Hills”. Looking at the map, that is the northeastern part of Ichtar. We are then told that usually, even northern Ichtar thaws completely. So yes, Winter Is Coming, and this will be a Big Problem.

Jayme raises his eyebrows at what Gilbert says, wondering if the latter has sources he does not know about. He decides it does not matter, and reiterates that what is important is that northern Ichtar spent the summer frozen solid. Yes, thank you so much for that, Douglass. He says that Gorkentown must have spent the summer “in conditions close to winter”, too. He asks Gilbert if the attacks continued throughout the warmer months. Gilbert shakes his head and sips some wine. He says that the Skraelings only appeared “during the most severe weather in the depths of winter”, and that they may have gone again.

Jayme says that they may have not, and if the north kept frozen during summer, he fears the oncoming winter. And, he asks, if the Skraelings “depend on extreme weather conditions”, does that mean they will be back? Gilbert does not answer the question, instead saying that they should consider the reports of the brothers in Gorkentown. The narration tells us that the Brotherhood has a retreat there for the brothers who “prefer[] a more ascetic life.”

Jayme says that perhaps they should indeed. Gilbert says that their brothers think the Forbidden might be behind it. Jayme asks why they think that. Gilbert says that is because of “[t]he reports and experiences of the garrison”, and also because several of the brothers reported that “demons inhabit their dreams on those nights when the wind is fiercest.” Or they might just have nightmares because of the combination of “fierce winter” and “human-eating wraiths”.

Jayme chuckles, saying it is not reliable, as Gilbert gives him bad dreams most nights, and “[he] is not yet ready to class [him] as one of the Forbidden.” Yes, we get it already, Gilbert is meant to be disliked! Can we please get on with something actually interesting, like meeting one of our protagonists?

Well, everyone smiles at this, Gilbert more tightly than the others. Moryson then speaks up, “turning the younger brother’s mind from Jayme’s heavy-handed attempt at humour.” He asks if the brothers actually saw something. Gilbert says that neither Gorkenfort or Gorkentown were attacked, only “small patrols or individuals outside the walls.” Consequently, the brothers have not seen much. They have observed the general mood, and they see that “dark thoughts and moods lay heavily across the inhabitants.” I am quite certain that should be “lie”. He says that extra prayers are offered to Artor, “but the fear grows”.

Jayme angrily wishes that there were “someone alive who actually [knows] anything about the Forbidden”. Well, you might have tried to gain some information on them by having some brothers go undercover among them… The narration then tells us that he is angry because he cannot understand to threat to Ichtar. He stands up and begins pacing the room. He then tells Gilbert to forget the matters of Gorkentown for a moment, and instead focus on Smyrton.

Gilbert says there are unusual happenings there, too, but not the same as in Ichtar. Then we get an explanation of Smyrton. It is a “largish village at the extreme edge of the Seagrass Plains, the main grain-producing area of Achar.” That would be the eastern edge of those plains, then. It is the “closest settled area to the Forbidden Valley”, where the River Nordra flows out of the Fortress Ranges. The narration says that if the Forbidden ever “come swarming over Achar again”, the valley is the obvious place they will emerge, as it provides a natural exit for “the Shadowsward, the darkest and most evil place bordering Achar.” I am quite certain we know this as the Avarinheim. Jayme thinks that one day, they will destroy it, too. Well, you have had hundreds of years to do so, so I quite doubt this.

Gilbert says that “[t]he local Plough-Keeper, Brother Hagen”, has sent reports of “strange creatures” that they sighted near the valley, and even near the village itself. I guess that “Plough-Keeper” is some sort of local religious leader. Gilbert says that there were “about five sightings” in the “past several months.” Not very much.

Moryson begins to ask what they are, and Gilbert shakes his head. He says they are nothing like the Skraelings, but in their own way, “they are just as strange”. They are “[m]an-like—but somehow alien.” Jayme asks in what way. Gilbert has to “swivel a little in his chair” to follow Jayme as he paces across the room. He explains that these beings are “short and muscular, and very dark”, which makes them hard to see at night. They evade the villagers rather than seeking them out. Each time one of them is seen, “it has been carrying a child with it”. Hagen reports no children are missing from Smyrton, but regardless, the villagers lock up their houses tight at night. Gilbert suggests that they might have stolen the children from elsewhere.

Jayme asks what Gilbert meant by “somehow alien”, and Gilbert can only say that that was what Hagen used, and that he was not specific about it. Jayme sighs and pats Gilbert on the shoulder, saying he can only think the Forbidden are moving again. We are then told that Jayme mentioning the Forbidden is enough to make everyone “shiver with foreboding”.

We then get the story: A thousand years ago, “during the Wars of the Axe”, their ancestors drove the Forbidden, who “had once dominated Achar with their evil sorcery”, back into the Avarinheim and the Icescarp Alps. And then, with the help of the “Axe-Wielders”, they cleared out all the forests that the Forbidden once lived in, “putting the cleared land under Plough and civilisation.” That seems like a ridiculously large effort to me, and one which was very likely to go very wrong. Then again, I suppose logic does not really fit the Seneschal. Well, it is part of legend that one day “the Forbidden [will] seethe back across the Fortress Ranges and slither down from the Icescarp Alps to try to reclaim the land that had once been theirs.” And apparently, every parent “scare[s] their children with the threat.” I wish we might hear some more specifics now, but I guess that will have to wait until later.

Jayme walks over to the fire. He goes to warm his hands, but notices they are trembling, and quickly puts them away. He says that nothing yet connects the happenings at Gorkenfort and Smyrton, but he “[is] scared they [are] connected.” Douglass, you could just delete the second “connected” here. He says “the responsibility of his position weigh[s] heavily on him.”

Moryson and Gilbert watch silently, both aware of the seriousness of the reports, and both glad that they do not have to make the decisions. Cut to Moryson’s POV.

Stick to a POV: 5

He scratches his chin and he knows that “dark events [are] upon them.” Jayme turns back to the others. He says that the next day, “Carlon celebrates King Priam’s nameday.” The celebrations will end with a banquet, to which Jayme has been invited. Priam advised him that they need to meet in private to “discuss the problem at Gorkentown.” He says that neither Priam or the Seneschal alone can meet the threat, so Achar will “have to stand united as it never has before” if they are to hope to survive the Forbidden. He ends with “Artor help us, now and forever”.

The others echo this as they drink the last of their wine, and the chapter ends. And hopefully the next one will be less boring.

 

Comments

[epistler]

Gilbert says that, according to the man, the Skraelings surrounded him, “then simply oozed through the gaps in his armour until they lay between it and his skin. Then they began to eat.” However that works, as I am having trouble visualising this. I can only surmise that they somehow made the armour insubstantial too, because otherwise, I do not know how this can work. Other than that, this is quite scary and horrific indeed, and it ought to present a great threat to Achar’s army.

And we never see this actually happen on the page and indeed it's never mentioned again. You'd think they'd use this ability to get through city walls at least, but nope. Walls keep them out just fine.

“Raven-month” and “Hungry-month”

The grammar here really bothers me. Why couldn't it have been "Raven Month", etc. instead? This just looks clumsy and amateurish.

The others echo this as they drink the last of their wine, and the chapter ends. And hopefully the next one will be less boring.

This whole chapter should have been cut. It's a terrible way to begin a book.

Open by showing the actual attack, why not? A good action hook is a great way to get readers invested.

[pangolin20]

And we never see this actually happen on the page and indeed it's never mentioned again. You'd think they'd use this ability to get through city walls at least, but nope. Walls keep them out just fine.

NRSG: Of course. Come to think of it, why in the world does Gorgrael think that more solid Skraelings will increase their menace?? Wraiths that can materialise and demanifest at will would be far more impressive.

The grammar here really bothers me. Why couldn't it have been "Raven Month", etc. instead? This just looks clumsy and amateurish.

Well, at least it is not "RavenMonth" and "HungryMonth". And indeed, it is clumsy and amateurish. The entire first half of this book feels like that to me.

This whole chapter should have been cut. It's a terrible way to begin a book.

Absolutely.

[epistler]

NRSG: Of course. Come to think of it, why in the world does Gorgrael think that more solid Skraelings will increase their menace??

Good question. Quite frankly given how completely fucking useless they are they might as well have just been human troops. Completely incompetent ones with no weapons.

Absolutely.

Exposition is BORING. Why would you want your first chapter, the one that's supposed to get readers invested in your story, to be BORING?

[pangolin20]

Good question. Quite frankly given how completely fucking useless they are they might as well have just been human troops. Completely incompetent ones with no weapons.

NRSG: Indeed. And even then, the TimeKeepers use such armies to much better effect in Pilgrim, so there is no excuse for this.

Exposition is BORING. Why would you want your first chapter, the one that's supposed to get readers invested in your story, to be BORING?

Hmmm, I can enjoy exposition, if it is done well. Frankly, I was more bored by everything around it. Why should we care about these three people at this point? And why could we not have their relationships be shown later on?

[epistler]

Hmmm, I can enjoy exposition, if it is done well.

Same. Clive Barker for example is so good at writing it I actively enjoy reading it even when it's 100% irrelevant. But then Clive Barker is an extremely good writer and Sarah Douglass was a very poor writer.

Frankly, I was more bored by everything around it. Why should we care about these three people at this point? And why could we not have their relationships be shown later on?

None of these characters are interesting or particularly important.

[chessybell_90]

Now that I've seen the first chapter -

Better that wood served man in this way than free-standing on land that could be put to the Plough.

Thought no religious order ever. I'm not going to say no christian sect thinks this way, but the context strongly suggests the Catholic Church and we've never believed that we should destroy the wilderness. (And also our historical response to thinking evil dwelt in the wilderness was for monks to move there to face the Devil on his own terf.)

“Furrow wide, furrow deep”

Okay, why are they this plough-focused? Ploughing is a means to an end, not an end in its own right. A much better stock well-wishing would be 'plough deeply, harvest richly', which neatly encapsulates why ploughing is so important. Ah, but let me guess - we're not supposed to ask why they're obsessed with ploughs and ploughing.

“it has been carrying a child with it”

Maybe all the sightings are of a single parent-and-child pair? Certainly seems more reasonable then a long-distance kidnapping scheme.

A little more generally, this chapter would have worked better if Axis had been present, be it out of nepotism or actual merit. (And at least popes actually have appointed family members to positions they weren't suited for.)

[pangolin20]

NRSG: Hello there, Chessy! How nice to have you here!

Thought no religious order ever. I'm not going to say no christian sect thinks this way, but the context strongly suggests the Catholic Church and we've never believed that we should destroy the wilderness.

Good to hear that confirmed! I swear that Douglass is working off a caricature of the Catholic Church...

Okay, why are they this plough-focused? Ploughing is a means to an end, not an end in its own right. A much better stock well-wishing would be 'plough deeply, harvest richly', which neatly encapsulates why ploughing is so important. Ah, but let me guess - we're not supposed to ask why they're obsessed with ploughs and ploughing.

Indeed (and I will add that phrase in). And I do not think we get a good answer as to why they are so obsessed with this; they just are because Douglass said so.

Maybe all the sightings are of a single parent-and-child pair? Certainly seems more reasonable then a long-distance kidnapping scheme.

I think these are multiple adults and children from the "forest-dwellers", though I do not yet know why they are doing this.

A little more generally, this chapter would have worked better if Axis had been present, be it out of nepotism or actual merit.

Then he would not need to have all this exposited to him in chapter 5.

[maegwin_of_hern]

This chapter serves as world-building, which is fine, and also necessary. But you're right, this can be done with more action, not just three men standing around and talking while drinking wine.

[pangolin20]

NRSG: That it might. It certainly does not help that it keeps on plodding for at least a quarter of the book.

[wolfgoddess77]

- Chewed. Nibbled. Tasted.” Ah, but were they tasty?

This strongly calls to mind the 'itchy tasty' scene in Resident Evil; the first game, I believe. If not the first, then certainly the second.

- He says that there are “no known animals” in northern Ichtar or “Ravensbund” that would attack or eat “a grown man in armour and defended with sword and spear.”

Who says they were eaten while they were still alive? Someone could have killed them, skedaddled, and then carnivores found them. Easy dinner, right there.

- “Ravensbundmen themselves”

What a clunky name. Couldn't they shorten it to 'Bundmen' or something, to make it less awkward?

- The narration tells us that occasionally, stories pass down “about man-eating icebears in the extreme north of Ravensbund.

I read 'icebears' as 'icebergs', and I was very confused for a few seconds.

- Gilbert further says that they are generally visible after they attack, because “[o]nce they have gorged”, they are “slimed with the blood of their victims.”

I have to give points for this; that's a pretty awesome visual. How terrifying would it be to find yourself hunted by something you can only see after it's killed your companions? I'm not going to use their official name to avoid Unfortunate Implications, but the wraiths are a hella cool concept.

- He says that the Ravensbund are afraid enough of them to leave (yes, I think we might have figured that out ourselves), and they “have never been afraid of anything before”, “savages as they are.”

I feel like this was stolen from George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. The wildlings who live in the far north are absolutely fearless, but they start to abandon their homes because...can you guess? They're terrified of white undead creatures that hunger for the blood and flesh of the living. They only appear at the very coldest of times, and their presence literally causes the temperature around them to plummet.

- Gilbert says they have, but the creatures are “somehow…insubstantial”, and they do not fear.

This too! The White Walkers are certainly corporeal, but they're invincible to everything except for fire and dragonglass (obsidian) weapons.

- However that works, as I am having trouble visualising this.

I would think of it like they're made of mist. Kind of like how water can get in through cracks and gaps in armor when it rains, so the wraiths can get in the same way. The gaps in armor are traditionally at the joints (elbows, knees, armpits, neck) so it doesn't impede movement too much. It should be easy for something without physical form to slip in through those places.

- A pity I cannot stand gore…

A Youtuber I follow who plays rather bloody games always jokes that it's not actual gore, it's just raspberry jelly, so Youtube shouldn't flag his videos as having violence in them.

- Jayme chuckles, saying it is not reliable, as Gilbert gives him bad dreams most nights, and “[he] is not yet ready to class [him] as one of the Forbidden.”

If we weren't supposed to hate Gilbert, this could actually be a funny line that displays the bond between the two of them, like two friends teasing each other.

- Gilbert suggests that they might have stolen the children from elsewhere.

Or, and here's a novel idea, maybe the children they're carrying are their own. If they're fleeing the north, it stands to reason that they would take their babies with them. The fact that they evade people rather than attack them just backs this up. They don't want trouble, they're just trying to escape.

[pangolin20]

Who says they were eaten while they were still alive? Someone could have killed them, skedaddled, and then carnivores found them. Easy dinner, right there.

NRSG: It is indeed a slightly early conclusion to leap to.

What a clunky name. Couldn't they shorten it to 'Bundmen' or something, to make it less awkward?

Or use "Ravensbund"? It is indeed quite clumsy.

I have to give points for this; that's a pretty awesome visual. How terrifying would it be to find yourself hunted by something you can only see after it's killed your companions? I'm not going to use their official name to avoid Unfortunate Implications, but the wraiths are a hella cool concept.

Oh, they certainly are a great concept, and she will eventually put them to use quite skilfully (yes, they may be embodied in that case, but they are no less dangerous for it). As for the name... I personally have continued to use it because of how vague the connection is (imagine if she had called the Ravensbund "Skraelings"!), but if you want another name... I might suggest "Cursed Angels"?

For the possible theft... BattleAxe was published on 7 May 1995 and A Game of Thrones on August 1 1996, so unless Douglass had a time machine, it cannot be possible.

Or, and here's a novel idea, maybe the children they're carrying are their own. If they're fleeing the north, it stands to reason that they would take their babies with them. The fact that they evade people rather than attack them just backs this up. They don't want trouble, they're just trying to escape.

Well guessed, because these children are certainly their own! I do not yet know what the exact situation is, but that might well be it.

I would think of it like they're made of mist. Kind of like how water can get in through cracks and gaps in armor when it rains, so the wraiths can get in the same way. The gaps in armor are traditionally at the joints (elbows, knees, armpits, neck) so it doesn't impede movement too much. It should be easy for something without physical form to slip in through those places.

That helps already! Still, I think I need read about this in action to fully understand it.

If we weren't supposed to hate Gilbert, this could actually be a funny line that displays the bond between the two of them, like two friends teasing each other.

Yes, it would be.

[wolfgoddess77]

For the possible theft... BattleAxe was published on 7 May 1995 and A Game of Thrones on August 1 1996, so unless Douglass had a time machine, it cannot be possible.

My apologies to the author, in that case. Pretty neat that they had such similar ideas, though.

[pangolin20]

NRSG: Certainly.